


Pedal to the Metal

by OnceUponADestiel (Jems_of_Grace)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crack, Destiel - Freeform, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Human!Impala - Freeform, Impala, M/M, One Shot, cas/dean, dean/cas - Freeform, prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-28
Updated: 2016-01-28
Packaged: 2018-05-16 18:27:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5836162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jems_of_Grace/pseuds/OnceUponADestiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The brothers have been playing another round of pranks on each other but then Dean takes it too far, ruining Sam's new sneakers. Furious, Sam neglects his morning run in favor of cleaning out one of the Men of Letters stock rooms. He comes across a shelf of intriguing looking potions, including one labeled as <i>'Transformative Assistance'</i>. Still feeling miffed about his running shoes, Sam makes up his mind to hit Dean where it really hurts. The side effects were not exactly what he'd been expecting.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pedal to the Metal

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TRWM](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=TRWM).



> This is a prompt request from TRWM who wanted a snarky human!impala fic. Hope you get to read this :) Not quite sure I managed to make him snarky but hopefully you'll like it anyways x
> 
> Also, at first I was kinda imagining the Impala as Chris Pine (mostly 'cause of [this awesome post](http://fetus-muke.tumblr.com/post/104169238838/petition-for-a-supernatural-episode-with) and also 'cause just [look at him!](http://m4ggii3miick3y.tumblr.com/post/53645506444/lets-just-face-itchris-pine-is-the-humanimpala)) but then I saw [this pic](http://onceuponadestiel.tumblr.com/post/137254095721/nephilimeq-jaredslight-x-holy-crap) and I thought, nah...you know who would make an awesome human!impala? _John Barrowman_ ;) (Can I just say I think he's one of the luckiest guys alive!) Obviously you can imagine Baby however you want, let me know in the comments who you prefer or if you've got an alternative, always love to hear other peoples human!impala headcanons :D
> 
> Last but not least, I was also heavily inspired by [this post](http://spnaturalconfessions.tumblr.com/post/110381993750). 
> 
> Enjoy (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

This is the last straw, Sam thought as he pulled his feet out of his brand new running sneakers, gum pulling away in sticky white strings. 'Fucks sake,' he muttered irritably. 'DEAN!'

'Uh... I take it you found your sneakers?'

'What the  _actual_ fuck, Dean?!'

'Ha haa! Can't believe you didn't check them first.'

'I shouldn't  _have_ to check, Dean! They're my _brand new_ sneakers.'

'Aw yeah, I know. And they're so  _white._ I swear, even snow would look grey next to them.'

'Ugh,' Sam groaned, throwing one of the offending sneakers in his brother's direction. 

Dean ducked out of sight, chortling. 

That was it. He couldn't just mess with his personal belongings and think he was gonna get away with it. I mean, fair enough, Sam _had_ glued Dean's hand to his beer can again the previous evening and _yeah,_ Dean had swore his revenge but _this_ \- used gum in his new running shoes - this was _way_ out of line. 

So much for his morning run, he really couldn't be bothered now. After cleaning out his shoes and eating his breakfast resentfully, Sam got straight into today's task: cleaning out one of the lower bunker rooms and stockpiling the remaining contents.

There were all kinds of things in there and with no discernible correlation or order. He came across a long wooden shelf, piled up with glass bottles in a variety of shapes, colours and sizes from pint sized transparent cylinders to tiny black cubes no bigger than an acorn. Some were labelled with scraps of discoloured parchment and decorative ink black calligraphy. Others were completely blank, their contents left mysterious.

Sam knew enough about the Men of Letters by now to know that if any of the potions were considered  _dangerous,_ they would be labelled with some kind of warning. But there were no toxic death symbols that he could see. Just a number of odd sounding names; some making the use of said potion obvious, others leaving room for the imagination. There was a colourful fancy bottle with a bright red topper half filled with a clear green liquid labelled _Adder's Tongue;_  a small spherical bottle, containing a thick, wine-red liquid and topped with a black butterfly labelled _Damiana;_  a small bottle filled with an ochre collared tea which Sam recognized as _African Dream Root;_  another tiny spherical bottle filled to the brim with a milky yellow substance labelled as an _Energy Replenisher_ and even a fancy purple bottle labelled _Anti-Baldness_.

But it was the large pint sized cylinder which caught Sam's eye. It was topped with an odd kind of nozzle which put Sam in mind of a gas station pump and filled almost to the brim with a transparent golden-yellow, viscous-like substance, labelled  _Transformative Assistance_ in frivolous black print. Sam gave a self indulgent smirk; well that gave him an idea. 

Dean was gonna flip.

The following day, Sam, Dean and Cas were sat around the war room table, tucking into Dean's homemade waffles and generally procrastinating away their morning. They were supposed to be researching, _as usual,_ but all of their minds were on other things.

Dean was more fidgety than usual, shifting in his chair and occasionally chancing a glance up at Cas who stared back unblinkingly. Sam's mind was downstairs in the basement where, a couple of hours hence, he had emptied the contents of a certain cylindrical glass bottle.

Dean suddenly jerked to his feet; apparently the tension was getting too much.

'Uh... I'm just gonna go down to the garage,' he muttered. 'Need to check Baby for somethin',' he finished vaguely and Sam couldn't resist a smirk. Dean squinted at him suspiciously- ever on the lookout for Sam's revenge prank - but didn't say anything else before leaving the room and heading down to the basement. 

Five minutes later, a loud yelp echoed up to the war room. Sam and Cas exchanged a glance.

'Should we go and check on him?' Cas asked looking worried.

'Oh, no,' Sam assured him, trying to sound off-hand. 'I'm sure he'll be just fine.'

Meanwhile Dean was staring aghast at the empty spot where his Impala had stood just last night when he'd last been down to check on her. But there was no sign of his Baby now, just an empty glass bottle lying suspiciously against the wall.

Dean frowned down at it for a second until movement in the exterior of the garage caught his eye. He walked cautiously towards it, taking a gun from his belt as he moved, trying not to make a sound...

There was someone sat in one of the other classic cars. Whoever he was, he must have heard Dean's howl of shock because he was struggling to clamber out of the driver's seat. When he finally manoeuvred himself out of the door he tripped over his own feet and stumbled into the side of the car. Eventually he straightened himself up, grinning over at Dean like they were fast friends but the man Dean was aiming his gun at was a complete stranger as far as he could tell.

He had a shock of dark hair and blue eyes and the kind of chiselled features that meant he wouldn't look out of place on a catwalk. Dean's jaw dropped slightly but he quickly changed it to a frown, releasing the safety catch and barking across, 'Who the fuck are you?'

Dean found himself taking in the skin tight leather pants, black vest and leather jacket as the guy answered with a mechanical laugh. 'Don't you recognise me?'

_ Not unless you're the guy outta that porno I watched last week, _ Dean thought; the missing Impala temporarily forgotten as he shifted uncomfortably in his pants. Out loud he just about manage to croke out, 'No.' The guy nodded his head, looking down at the floor a little sadly.

'I'm your car,' he said eventually. Dean just stared at him, thinking he'd misheard.

'What?'

'I'm your car,' the guy repeated a little louder.

'Nuh, uh. I still don't get it.'

'Last night, last time I saw you - I was stood over there,' the guy pointed towards the empty spot where Dean had left the Impala. 'Then, this morning, Sam came in and fed me something... and I dunno know what was in there but that shit tasted _nasty!'_  the guy concluded, pointing over to the empty glass bottle.

Dean stared from the guy to the bottle and back again, still not really getting it.

'You're saying... you're _saying_ that _you_ are my _car?'_

'Exactly,' the guy said with the kind of grin that made Dean feel weak at the knees.

And Dean wouldn't have believed him - he really wouldn't - if it wasn't for the fact that the guy looked like he'd just walked straight out of one of his wet dreams.

'Okay...' Dean said, feeling anything but. 'Okay... why would Sam want to turn my car into-' Dean gestured to the guy, not exactly wanting to say _porn star_ but taking the opportunity to give him a once over just the same. The guy shrugged; apparently he wasn't in on the joke.

Dean lowered his gun. 'Okay,' he said again, really not feeling it. 'So what do I call you?'

'Well normally you call me Baby, so...'

'Uh... _no way!'_ Dean said with an edge of finality in his voice. 'No way am I calling you _Baby!'_ the guy shrugged, his heart throbbing smile disappearing as he looked back down at the floor sulkily. _The guy can't be serious,_ Dean thought, feeling a little hot under the collar.

As though he knew exactly what he was thinking the guy looked up at him then, raising his eyebrows in a way that was probably not meant to be as seductive as Dean found it. 'Uh, _fine!'_ Dean gave in a little too easily. _This should be interesting,_ he figured, stomach swooping slightly as he said, 'C'mon, uh... Baby.' Well at least he looks satisfied Dean thought, feeling his face reddening as he turned on his heel, jerking his thumb over his shoulder to suggest the other guy follow him. Baby did follow, albeit with much stumbling about as though he hadn't actually worked out how to use his legs yet.

'SAM!' Dean bellowed when they made it back to the war room.

'Yeah?' Sam asked, looking up with a grin which quickly turned to confusion. 'Uh, Dean... who's this?'

Dean rolled his eyes. 'Like you don't know.'

'No, really. I don't know,' Sam deadpanned.

_ 'This _ Sam,' Dean said gesturing to the guy behind him. 'Is what you get when you mix weird ass potions with an awesome car.' Sam's jaw dropped.

'Oh.'

' _Oh._ Yeah - you get it now?'

Whilst Sam and Dean glowered at each other, Cas stared at the man stood behind Dean and found himself unable to school the grumpy expression which graced his face. The man stood there was just far too attractive for his liking, grinning across the room at Cas like he was supposed to be in on the joke.

_ 'You _ are Cas,' he said matter of factly, pushing past Dean and knocking over a chair in his eagerness to reach the angel.

'Yes,' Cas answered, sounding a tad petulant. For some reason he found himself reluctant to look at the guy.

The guy leaned in close towards him, fluttering his long dark lashes like a child after their favourite candy. 'I'm Baby,' he said, voice husky and seductive.

Cas opened and closed his mouth like a fish, not entirely sure how to follow that up. _What did one say to a car?_

As it turned out, conversation was not what Baby was looking for as Cas found out when the man leaned in closer, capturing Cas's lips with his own and burying his tongue deep into the angel's mouth.

Cas kissed back automatically but pulled away quickly squinting across at the Impala-made-human. 'I do not wish to kiss you,' he enunciated clearly as though Baby might find that hard to understand. But he seemed happy enough, grinning and bouncing off to the table, upending another chair in the process before eagerly sifting through newspapers with an air of complete fascination and laughing when he accidentally ripped them. 

Sam and Dean had gone completely quiet. Sam looked puzzled. Dean was staring at Cas, mouth gaping wide open.

When he realised Cas was looking back, he turned bright pink and sat down muttering, 'I need a minute...'

The trouble was Sam hadn't exactly been expecting the  _Transformative Assistance_ to be so, well... _effective..._  He'd imagined that the potion might transform the Impala into another kind of vehicle; he'd been hoping for a _pushbike._.. and had certainly never entertained the idea that the potion might turn the Impala  _human._ Dean told him he was idiotic and on _this_ occasion, Sam had to agree. I mean, c'mon, it was all written _right there_  on the bottle. Cas said that the potion had probably grown more potent with age. Apparently small print was something the men of letters never thought to use.

Nevertheless, Sam still found the whole thing freaking hilarious. They did a little research and found that the potion seemed to mostly be made up of spelled helichrysum oil but they still had no idea how long the effects might last or if indeed they might be permanent.

Cas didn't seem to think so. 'I think it's a matter of time; wait for him to run out of gas, so to speak,' Dean groaned. 

They spent the rest of their morning researching transformative potions, spells and everything in between but it seemed Cas was right and there was nothing to be done except to let it run its course. Baby pottered around the bunker, getting into everything, breaking anything he put his fingers on and falling over his feet every couple of steps to the point that even Cas despaired at his painful grasp on humanity. 

Dean did his absolute best not to stare at the guy too often but it was pretty damn hard, he kinda drew a lot of attention what with the trail of broken debris that seemed to follow him around. It seemed like every five seconds they heard the sound of a mug, or a lamp maybe, being smashed against the hard wood floor and Sam would appear in the doorway with a dustpan and brush and a pronounced bitch face which suggested he wasn't enjoying his prank as much as he thought he would.

The next time it happened, Baby squealed excitedly: 'Oooh. I want a go!' like Sam had just brought him a new game. He grabbed the dustpan and brush out of Sam's hands before the hunter could object and proceeded to 'clean'; a process that involved a lot more mess than it would in anyone else's hands. He had dropped another tumbler off the table, scattering chunks of glass and tiny sharp flecks everywhere right under Dean's feet. When he bent down, Dean couldn't help taking in the view, noticing for the first time the registration plate printed in white block lettering across his butt. Cas caught him staring and Dean looked away, blushing up to the tips of his ears. 

Baby seemed to notice the tension in the room after that and made himself scarce which was fine by Dean except that Sam kept muttering that he could be doing anything. 'Probably broken a bunch of men of letters artefacts by now _or worse..._ what if he opens one of the curse boxes!' 

'Yeah, it could be worse. You're right, Sam. He might do something seriously moronic like pour an unidentifiable potion into a man's most prized possession!' Dean was on the receiving end of the bitch face this time. 'Ugh, will you _stop_ hinting! This is _your_ mess; go clean up after him yourself.'

'He's _your_ car,' Sam muttered petulantly and a little childishly Dean thought. He wasn't sure but he thought he might have seen Cas rolling his eyes.

Well, someone had to be the grown up in this situation right?

'Fine,' he groused, getting to his feet and wondering off in search of Baby. He totally didn't just do it in a pathetic attempt to seem mature or anything... 'cause that would be lame... 

There were oily prints all up the walls, starting in the kitchen and leaving an obvious trail as to exactly where Baby had been. Dean followed it to his own bedroom and found the contents of his drawers strewn haphazardly all over the floor. 'Fuck's sake,' he muttered, starting to clear it all up. 'It's like taking care of a toddler...' amidst his own clothes, Dean came across a discarded leather jacket and matching pants. He was half worried ( _or something_ ) that the guy was wondering around the bunker completely naked.

Half-an-hour later, his bedroom back to its usual pristine state, Dean came across Baby outside the practice range; looking nothing short of sexy in one of Dean's never before worn plain white t's and blue skinny jeans, eyeing up the rifles as though he was considering giving them a go. Dean grabbed Baby by the shoulder and frog-marched him back up to the library. 'We have _got_ to get this guy out of here,' he insisted wide eyed. After hearing what the ex-car had been caught doing, Sam and Cas were all for a trip into town and the relative safety of being in public.  Baby was too much of a danger to himself to leave alone for even five minutes (and team free will were nobody's baby sitters, thank you very much!); fascinated by every little thing from the coffee machine to the dungeon and more clumsy than a bull in a china shop.

They wound up using Cas's Lincoln to get from A to B that day; something which Baby was very pleased about. He sat in the back with Sam smooching up against the windows, drawing patterns in the condensation; running his hands over the seats and giving the occasional sigh of satisfaction. When they got out he leaned against one of the Lincoln's doors, staring down at it dreamily like it was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. 'Are you making eyes at Cas's car,' Dean had to ask eventually when he showed no signs of moving.

'Friggin' hypocrite,' Sam muttered, putting as much distance between himself and Baby as he could.

'I can't help it. She's just so damn good-looking...' Baby sighed, running his hands over her exterior.

'Yeah well... I always figured you were a 'she' and look how that panned out,' he answered irritably.

'Oh no,' he said, staring at Dean like he was real dumb. 'The Lincoln is definitely a 'she'.' Dean just rolled his eyes and chivvied him along.

They had quite a time in town that day. Cas might have been the first person Baby had randomly jumped but he most certainly wasn't the last. Over the course of the following three hours, Baby managed to kiss a total of _thirteen_ people, including a much disgruntled Sam when he came out the bathroom; _three_ different girls in a bar they went in for dinner  _and_ the unfortunate bartender _and_ the little bewildered lady behind the counter when they went to the store for supplies.

The only person he hasn't attempted to lay one on yet was Dean. He would be offended except he was still reeling from watching him kiss Cas earlier that morning.

They made their way back to the bunker later that evening and Dean went straight down to the kitchen to empty the shopping bags. When he got back to the library, he glanced around quickly, already worried.

'You seen, uh... Baby?' he asked Sam, unable to hold back the cringe as he said it.

Sam grinned, 'Nope... I figured he was with you. Hey, maybe he's making out with Cas somewhere.' Dean could have happily smacked Sam upside the head for that one.

Instead he flipped him off. 'Ha ha,' he said pathetically, the only response he'd been able to drum up.

His first point of call was the shooting range but he was relieved to find that Baby hadn't made his way back there. He checked his bedroom; nope. The bathroom; nada. And even the dungeon; no luck.

After some deliberation, Dean decided to check the garage; it was as good a place as any... and sure enough there he was, leaning against the hood of one of the other classic cars in an unwittingly provocative manner. 'What you doin' down here?' he managed to blurt out, forcing himself to think with his upstairs brain.

The Impala shrugged in a way that suggested he'd never been a car and Dean didn't like it even one single bit. The more _human_ he got, the less _car_ he'd ever be, or so he supposed...

'Checking out the cars,' he drawled.

'Seriously?' Baby shrugged again, raising his eyebrows in an inviting manner that Dean absolutely did not find appealing or anything. Dean decided to cut to the chase. 'Look, I dunno how long you're gonna be human for but this... this  _kissing_ thing... it needs to stop.' he finished awkwardly but Baby was staring at him like he wanted to wrestle him down to the floor with his lips alone and that really wasn't helping him to plead his case right now.

'Yeah? Why's that? I've seen _you_ kiss a lot of women - a _lot_ of women-'

'Yeah, yeah... I get it but... that was all... I dunno... _consensual._  If you see where I'm coming from?'

'No one has objected so far. 'Cept Cas. But he's different, isn't he?'

'I dunno what you mean... but yeah, I guess he is...'

Baby raised his eyebrows again, snorting in amusement and Dean figured his response hadn't really made a great deal of sense.

'Man, you're totally gone on the guy, aren't you?'

'What?' Dean said, still feigning innocence.

'Even I can see it and I've only been human for a day.'

'Um.'

'Why don't you just tell him? I've heard you y'know... Gotta be a hundred times at least... _Rehearsing.'_ he said significantly in answer to Dean's questioning brows and the hunter felt his throat close up. He felt sick. Those had been his own private soliloquies. He'd never suspected anyone of listening in. 'Just _stop_ already... I've heard it _so_ many times. I know the whole love confession to your angel off by heart. Stop telling _me._ Tell _him_.'

'To... uh... to be fair... I didn't know I was telling _you_ either,' Dean muttered. Baby rolled his eyes.

'Whatever. It doesn't matter. I'm going to be a car again pretty soon anyways and thank god. This whole damn human thing is _exhausting._ It's been fun and everything but it's just not for me.' Dean nodded and was surprised to realize he might actually miss the guy. 'Just _say_ it. To _him,_ I mean.' Dean nodded his head but couldn't meet Baby's eyes.

'I'll think about it... yeah...'

'Yeah... and when you do, maybe you can jump right in my back seat and get a little kinky with him like you've always wanted?' he raised his eyebrows suggestively waiting for Dean to contradict him but Dean didn't bother. It was all true and he was long past denial.

'Ugh!'

'Too much?'

'Yeah... maybe... I dunno. I don't want to think about you watching me like that. Friggin' pervert,' but he softened it with a teasing grin.

'Yeah. I am,' he admitted, grinning back and this was probably the weirdest day of all the weird days in Dean's life. 'Y'know... just a tip; I think you're going to need to top me up with more gas by morning. And none of that spelled shit either. I want some of the good old gas station variety.'

'Yeah?' Baby nodded. He seemed melancholic; staring hard at Dean who knew this was goodbye.

'Well I'll make sure to do that then. I'll always look after my Baby... keep you in perfect working order and everything...'

'I know you will,' he said with a sad smile. 'Thanks for that, by the way...'

'No problem.'

'Can I kiss you now?' Dean gasped. If he was being honest it was freaking tempting. I mean, when else would he get an opportunity like this? But...

'Nah... think I'm saving it for someone else,' he said offhandedly but Baby got the significance like no one else would, nodding seriously.

Then with a slight smile he said, 'Then do me one other favour?'

'Yeah?'

'Stop blasting my radio so loud!' Dean laughed.

'Yeah, I can do that,' he lied. They smirked at each other and then Dean turned away, heading back up the stairs and back to the war room.

Cas was sat at the table looking murderous. He didn't say anything when Dean entered the room.

'Sup?' Dean asked. Cas just shrugged, looking away from Dean. 'So I think Baby will be back to normal by morning.' Cas nodded curtly but still didn't say anything. 'Kind of just said goodbye.'

'Kiss you _too_ did he?' Cas asked bitterly, making Dean smirk.

'No,' he said, drawing closer with every word. 'But he did give me some real good advice.'

'What was it?' Cas asked, his grumpy demeanour falling away to be replaced with curiosity.

'He said I should just say it...'

'Say what?'

'Um... that I _love_ you, 'Dean muttered unable to meet the angel's eyes.

The room had gone completely silent. After a minute Dean couldn't take the tension anymore and glanced up at Cas who was staring hard at him. 'Why would he want you to say that?'

'Um... I guess, 'cause I do... um, _love you,_ I mean...' he rubbed his hand along the back of his neck staring down at the floor; he really wasn't very good at this, laying himself out there like this and in the end, not one of those rehearsals had even mattered one iota. 'Guess he wants me to be happy or somethin'. Said I should stop rehearsing my love confession to you inside of him... or somethin' like that... I dunno what he's talking about - I've only done it once or twice!' Cas blinked, still staring at Dean who stared back, face glowing.

'You know... I think I've learnt something from him too.'

'Yeah? What's that?'

'Don't wait years for the things you most want. Just go after them - straight away.'

'Huh... when did he teach you that-?' Dean started but was cut off by a pair of pink lips covering his own and Dean melted into Cas, smiling into the kiss.

In the doorway, two sets of eyes watched them. Baby and Sam high fived then walked away chortling. 'You sure you don't want to join in?' Baby asked the elder Winchester with suggestive eyebrows.

'Um, no.' Sam answered him. 'I really don't want to do that.'

'Your loss. I was always more into your brother anyway.' Sam laughed.

The following day Sam, Dean and Cas walked down into the garage and stopped dead in front of the shiny black Impala, all four wheels firmly back in place.

Dean gave a sigh of relief, 'Back to normal. You want to give me and Cas some privacy, Sammy? Gonna go for a ride. I have one last promise to keep to my favourite pervert.'

Sam rolled his eyes. 'Whatever jerk, I really don't want to know.'

'Don't know what you're missing out on, bitch.' Dean called after him as he strolled from the room. Sam rolled his eyes again.

Dean drove Cas to a secluded location in the middle of a deserted field, parking it under a lonely ancient oak tree which cast its shadow over the length of the car. 'You wanna get in the backseat, Cas?' Dean asked wiggling his eyebrows. Cas grinned, taking Dean's hand in his own before clambering into the back of the Impala. Dean couldn't be sure but he thought he heard a familiar quiet chuckle of satisfaction rumbling out of the engine as it began to cool down. _Must be the final after effects from the potion,_ Dean figured as Cas lay him down on the back seat, his persistent hands beginning to roam their way under his shirt and his tender chapped lips sliding perfectly against his own.

**Author's Note:**

> Oooh, hope you guys liked that. It was a lotta fun to write :)
> 
> Thanks for reading, maybe leave kudos and/or comments - always much appreciated. 
> 
> Oh and you could check out some of my other fics if that wasn't enough destiel for you (if you like human!impala headcanons as much as I do you might like my fic [KAZ](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5048311/chapters/11608513)) or you could come look at my tumblr [Once Upon A Destiel](http://onceuponadestiel.tumblr.com) come say hi :P


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